If You Said You Missed Me
by carla-connor-corrie
Summary: forever will never be long enough for me to feel I've had long enough with you
1. Chapter 1

His face was full of confusion as his flat door opened. His door opened after minutes of my persistent knocking, my knocking that had made my knuckles red. Red like the wine I could still taste in my mouth, the only taste I ever seemed to sense. 

He was confused, I could tell by the way his eyes had narrowed and he was stood up straighter than normal. I didn't want to imagine the thoughts going through his mind – I knew he hated me, well he told me he didn't, he'd told me he hated what I'd done, not me. But he didn't look at me the same way anymore, there wasn't any sparkle in his eye. 

I guess he was confused as to why I was at his flat, as to why I was knocking on his door in the late evening. We hadn't spoken for two weeks, two weeks exactly; we hadn't spoken since he'd found out everything, everything that I'd been hiding from him for months. Nick had ended things and I didn't blame him, I told him I understood and then he left my flat, our flat. 

"Carla," His voice was tired and my name exited his mouth as a sigh; before my name sounds so precious in his voice, so right. 

"Can we talk?" I asked, I wanted to talk to him, I needed to talk to him. I had so much to say, so many words floated in my head, so many words that I wanted Nick to hear. 

"It's late and I'm tired," Nick told me and when I looked at him closely he did look tired. Dark rims circled his eyes and, after the shock of seeing me, he had stood slouched, leaning upon the door frame. 

"Just five minutes," Nick soon noticed I wouldn't give up, he sighed and stood aside. His flat was tidy, as always, but I noticed the excessive wine bottles on the kitchen counter. 

"I miss you," I told him, I just came out with it, I didn't dance around it. I missed Nick, I missed him more than I thought was possible. I missed him so much it hurt, my chest felt tight and I was tired and I was lonely. 

He looked to the floor before looking back up at me again, with his eyes, his eyes that once gave me so much warmth. His hand was rested on the kitchen counter and I stood ten paces away from him. 

"Carla, we've spoke about this," Nick said, there was emotion in his voice, so many of them mixed together, "We're done." 

"I miss you and if you told me you missed me too, well, do you think we could start again? Me and you, we work," I looked at him as I spoke, not once looking away. As I spoke the emotion built up, the emotions I'd felt for the months since I slept with someone else and the new emotions that had formed since Nick found out. They made me feel heavy and weighed me down as I walked, as I spoke, as I worked and they didn't let me sleep because they controlled me. 

Nick didn't reply to my comment but his eyes met mine for the first time in two weeks, they still gave me safety, his eyes were my favourite thing. 

"If you said you missed me too we could relearn each other's favourite things and we could relearn each other's names and hopes and dreams. You could get bored of me talking about shoes and I could get bored of you talking about waiters all over again. I could get mad at you for protecting me, for caring about me and you could get mad at me again for not letting anyone care for me. We could do it all again." 

I stood bare, my face free of make-up, my comfy bottoms and jumper keeping me warm on the cold night. I stood bare as I told Nick all these things, as I told Nick that we could make it work. I was completely bare, I was letting him see every part of me, every emotion I was feeling. And as the tears built up in my eyes I didn't care because it was Nick. It was Nick. 

"Carla, we couldn't," Nick whispered, it was almost as if he didn't want to admit it, neither of us wanted to admit it, "You slept with someone else and I can't, I just can't." 

"I'm not saying it would work, I'm not saying we would work again. Not straight away," My voice was needy, it was hoarse and my tears were threatening to spill. 

"It can't work Carla, we won't work anymore it's not logical," Why was he always so logical? But I loved that about him, but I hated that about him. 

"But logic doesn't mean that I don't miss you," A single tear raced down my cheek and I didn't bother to wipe it away, "I don't care what logic has to say Nick, I really don't." 

Yet again Nick didn't reply, it was as if he didn't have the words; his gaze was still placed upon me as I spoke, his gaze never left me. 

"Tell me you miss me and I swear I'll come running, we could start again, if we tried really hard it could work. We could work," My speaking pace quickened as the tears fell faster and I felt more exposed than ever as I practically begged. I begged because I couldn't see a future without Nick in it. I needed him, I needed his warmth and his care and his smile and his hold and everything that made Nick, Nick. 

"Tell me you miss me and we could fall all over again." 


	2. Chip

"I miss you." 

Three words, only three but they meant everything. I let out a sigh as if his words had hit me in the stomach. Nick had a way with three words, I breathed out the same way I did when he said 'she's not you.' I exhaled in the same way as I did each time he told me that he loved me. 

"I don't think I ever stopped falling, Carla I don't think we ever stopped falling." 

His voice was raw with emotion and honesty and I couldn't allow my eyes to leave his as he spoke. 

"I've told you that I miss you too and I could let you come running, I could let us get mad at each other over trivial things again and I could let us relearn everything about each other." Nick took a pause, he took a breath in and although his pause was short my heart was beating so hard it could break my chest. My nerves were piling up inside of me. 

"I can't do that though, I can't let you come running." 

My chest hurt, my vision became blurry as I just let the tears fall. I'd lost him, I'd lost Nick, I'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. 

"We could, I know we could," My voice was completely broken and my words practically inaudible. 

"Carla, I'm not saying I don't love you because that would be a lie. I'm not saying I don't miss you because, that too, would be a lie." Nick spoke so gently despite our position. We were supposed to be happy, we were everything, Nick was everything. Everything I'd ever wanted and everything I'd ever needed; he'd been there all along. 

"We both love each other Nick, I promise, we could make this work. I know you say logic says it can't and maybe it won't. Maybe we won't work but Nick, we could try." I spoke so honestly, so openly because it was Nick. With Nick I could be open and tell him everything I was feeling. Even now when I didn't really know what I was feeling, I was feeling everything there was to feel. 

"I love you," Again Nick's three words took the breath from my body as I stood looking at a man, I looked at a man who meant the world to me and he told me he loved me and I honestly loved him too. With all my flaws a man like Nick still loved me, how crazy is that? "I love you so much but we're broken and we could relearn everything about each other but it wouldn't be the same, we wouldn't be the same." 

"Me and you Nick, it works, we work. We could go slowly, build us back up – brick by brick – and we could give us a chance. Don't we deserve a chance?" 

Nick looked thoughtful, he rocked back on his heel which made me feel slightly on edge and it felt like a life time before he spoke again. 

"When you buy a plate it's perfect and you use it. You use it and it's fine because the plate is perfect. Then one day you might take a chip out of it when you're washing up or taking it out the cupboard. Then the plate has a chip in it but you still use it. You still use it but the chip is always there, it's never perfect." 

I looked at Nick as he spoke slightly confused by his metaphors; his gaze was still fixed on me and he'd taken a few steps forwards as he spoke. 

"Carla, our relationship was everything and if we fell all over again we'd always have a chip just like the plate. We could still go on but the chip would always be there, it would never go away."

"But the more you use the plate with the chip, the more you learnt to accept it, the more you use the plate the less of a problem the chip becomes," I told Nick, I told him this because I knew what he meant, I knew the trust was gone but in time, in time it could be okay. 

"It's always there though Carla, it will never go away," Nick said, he sounded tired but he also sounded sad, disappointed almost. 

"Maybe by the time we'd finished relearning everything again, by the time we'd got mad at each other again, by the time we'd finished falling again the chip would be a memory, a lesson that we should be more careful, that we should be more honest." 

"You really believe it could work don't you?" Nick asked me and I nodded slowly because I believed in Nick, I believed in us, I believed that together we could do anything. We had to be together, we only worked together. 

"Nick, I believe in us and I know our chip is huge but I promise that –" 

"Shall we fall again?"

* * *

 ** _should I leave this here or would you like to read more?_**


	3. Conclusion

_Shall we fall again?  
_

* * *

Nick missed me. I missed Nick. So, we fell all over again. 

And as we fell the chip was still there, just as Nick said it would be. As we fell it was still there but it became a distant memory over time, less noticeable, less relevant. 

The chip will always be there, but our relationship is bigger than the chip, our love is bigger than the chip. 

When we go to bed every night the chip is there. When I cradle out daughter in my arms the chip is still there. 

Despite the chip once making us imperfect now, I think it makes me and Nick, well me and Nick. 

And as we fell we learnt everything all over again. His favourite colour is the blue of his favourite suit. His favourite food is muesli. But as we fell we learnt new things, things about Nick I'd never discovered before. He disliked the cinema because people rustle the bags too loudly and he didn't like eating a proper meal in the evening. 

I got bored again, I got bored of his stories about waiters and olives he'd tell as he held me in the evening but, I didn't mind. I didn't mind because when his arms were holding me tightly it didn't matter. Nick got bored again too, he got bored of the constant deliveries arriving with yet another pair of shoes and the lack of food my fridge held. 

As we fell there were moments in which I felt it wouldn't work. When we were in the street, together, I often felt unworthy but then Nick would squeeze my hand and everything would be okay. 

We both got mad again, when Nick wanted to care and I pushed him away. He'd get mad that I wouldn't let anyone in and I'd get mad that I couldn't let anyone in. but as we continued to fall I learnt yet another new thing, I learnt to let Nick in. 

We fell back to the point where I had a pleasant weight on my left hand, where I'd catch my hand in the light and smile. 

We fell back to where we used to be. 

But we didn't stop falling. 

We fell to the point where my flat, finally, turned into our flat and it felt like home. We'd spend every night in each other's company and we'd share stories of our days. Nick would tell me jokes he'd heard from customers and I'd tell him the latest gossip I'd managed to catch. 

As we carried on falling an added sparkle found its way on to my left hand. The perfect day, our day. It conveyed everything I could have ever wished, my love, my appreciation, everything. 

We carried on falling, a third ring, a third sparkle, a third symbol. Eternity. 

Then we fell very than I had ever deemed possible. Nine months of sickness and tiredness and mood swings had been worth it. Nick held me in the nights and cared for me as I got to the point where I could barely walk. I never thought I'd fall to this point with anyone but when I hold my baby girl close to me when she's crying or when she reaches to play with my hair I feel complete. Nick and little Alaia-Rose were my happiness. 

We're still falling. 

The truth is, I don't think we'll ever stop.

* * *

 _I really wanted to add a conclusion to this and I hoped you all enjoyed reading this short story thing as much as I enjoyed writing it!_


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